


Sam I am Chapter 1

by SwirlsOfBlueJay



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Drama, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-30
Updated: 2010-01-30
Packaged: 2017-10-15 05:55:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/157704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SwirlsOfBlueJay/pseuds/SwirlsOfBlueJay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>The road so far. Sam is Lucifer. But Lucifer is also Sam. Maybe there is more to them than meets the eye.</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The road so far. Sam is Lucifer. But Lucifer is also Sam. Maybe there is more to them than meets the eye.

The road so far

Dean: Dad told me I had to save you and if I couldn't save you I'd have to kill you.

Anna: Thank you, Pamela. That helps a lot. I remember now, who I am.

Now

Sam watched the light pour from its cage; he could feel it- the light was made of several millennia of thoughts and memories and emotions and power. And as it washed over him it triggered something tucked away deep inside him, just as Pamela had triggered something deep inside Anna Milton. Now Sam remembered, now Sam understood. He was a fallen Angel, he was Lucifer.

The expected inner turmoil at this revelation was surprisingly absent; this was just the most recent chapter in billions of years of existence. Just as the Angel who hacked her Grace out over Ohio was still Anna Milton. Lucifer was still Sam Winchester. And now he knew exactly what needed to be done.

First he had to ensure that no-one figured out who he was. Hiding the truth from the angels and demons was daunting enough but the thought of hiding it from Dean made bile curdle in his throat. He tried to convince himself it was for the best, with limited success. Nick provided him with an appropriate decoy and a mouthpiece for his orders. He reached out a tendril of his power towards Nick- a mere fragment of the power held within. And thus it began.

But everyone was still too suspicious, and Dean no longer trusted him. It hurt to lie and it hurt to leave, but he had a job to do. Sam huffed as he wiped down tables, the Angels were watching his dreams, trying to trick him into leading them to Dean; might as well put on a show. He personally thought letting them believe that he was Lucifers vessel was hilarious, it served his purposes well.

I go on with my work. Soon I find that Zachariah is honing in on Dean and I am torn, Dean isn't safe without me, but I cannot stay with him. I've waited this long, there is still time. I fold and unfold my plan in mind, moving the goal-posts and the plan does come out better. I call Dean and of course he rejects me, it is of no consequence he will change his mind soon.

I am about two seconds away from pulling Dean out of Zachariah's clutches when Castiel does so for me. He is turning out to be quite a useful little angel, I initially brought him back to life for Dean but now I see how he can be of good service to me.

I am wary after leaving the demon-boy's house; surely they will notice me now? Fortunately angels and demons, very much like people, often see what they choose to see. No one asks how Lucifer has neglected to find the Winchesters, even as his minions paved the way to them.

I wish to speak to the would-be trickster, my brother, Gabriel. But I hide regardless, I think he can be trusted but I have to be sure. And I can't risk Dean hearing, not just because he would deservedly hate me, but because the angels and demons could pluck the knowledge right out of his head, and no one can know what I know.

I return to Gabriel who remains in the decrepit building long after the flames have died.

"Do you not see me brother?" I ask. Gabriel gazes upon me like a surprised child, unsure of whether to be happy or anxious.

"You always did find the best places to hide." He eventually answers me.

"There is much I have to tell you." I say. Falling back on old speech unfamiliar to Sam's mouth.

"Yeah, well I'm not playing the game anymore, go find another brother to mind-fuck with."

"None of them can be trusted. No one in heaven can be trusted anymore, this is why I'm speaking to you." I tell my broken little brother; who-ever said Angels didn't feel emotions had a cosmic amount of ignorance shoved up their ass.

"And you can be trusted? Are you kidding me?"

"I will tell you my story, you will not believe it, but remember it well- little brother- for you will have need of it someday." I said and Gabriel sat down and listened.

"After I fell, for a long time I was filled with fury, hatred and venom. I raged within the darkened walls of my prison, empty with despair and lustful for revenge. I ranted and railed at the silence and cursed the flawed animals, listing all their faults and depravities. For thousands of years I did this, watching these beings, despising them.

I saw some redeeming qualities that were easy for my anger-driven mind to ignore. Then I saw a few more. And a few more after that. The beings continued in their disgusting ways but I saw pearls shining in the dirt, and wondered why no one came to help these pearls- shining brightly as they did. Why none of our brethren came to help these. I realised they too were just as alone as us angels.

I didn't understand, didn't know what to think, these beings on God's pedestal were left to flounder helplessly, isolated. I was tired, despondent and bored with these creatures now, anger long since faded in the face of what I had seen. I watched them still, with little else to occupy my time, I watched without thought or judgement and just saw. Then I saw that even the disgusting beings held beauty in their hearts. There was no light-bulb moment; it had been a slow erosion of a cliff waiting to be chiselled away over the centuries.

Then I saw some of our brethren, I watched them come to earth and I watched them fall. And I was curious. Why our mighty brothers would choose to live the lives of these pitiful creatures, with a few redeeming features that barely tipped the scales, over being a warrior of the lord they clearly still loved. So I watched more closely, the humans our brethren had seen, the humans our brethren had known, the humans our brethren had _loved._

I was astounded be the number of them who had fallen. It is Heaven's best kept secret. It is why only the lower ranking Angels are allowed down to earth anymore, it is not because it's grunt-work- in fact it's very far from it.

I saw our little brothers and sisters re-born, learning to talk and walk and laugh and sing. I didn't think of them as humans, they were changeling Angels, different but angels still. I rejoiced in their joy and felt fear at their fears, they were so frail now. I watched them play and love and be loved, and when remnants of their former lives haunted them- I saw those loved ones fret and worry and support them, and reached out hands to them that I could not.

Don't mistake me brother there were those who were cruel to our brethren also, dreadfully cruel. But there will always be betrayers, as I'm sure you know too well. And this is not about those; this is about the humans who cared. The emotions were twisted and ashen and fused deeply in their guts, but said emotions remained pure, untainted by happenstance.

And finally I began to understand. My curiosity was insatiable now, I watched every moment of every day and night, it swiftly became an obsession. How many different places to see, different people, different ideas, different worlds, all amazing from the darkest hues to the radiating light. The more I saw the more my thirst increased, the more I loved these damned creatures.

One day I felt fury within me once more, and I was terrified, it had been decades since the horrible fury had graced my soul. And once again it was anger at our father. Over the same sense of loyalty I felt last time: _How could he do this to us?_ How could he do this to them? But now I tried to push the fury back down, I hadn't understood the answer to my question when I fought for the Angels, but now I did. Maybe even though I didn't understand the question I had now, I would in the future, he knew what he was doing.

I had been rash before, this time I chose a different route. I waited, I was patient. I called to our father, pleading for an audience. Eventually he granted me one. I asked about the humans, asked them to be granted mercy and assistance they so needed. He smiled at me and told me I had learned my lessons well, that soon- in mere decades perhaps- I could rejoin the Angels in Heaven. I told him I didn't care; I just wanted him to help the humans.

He said the humans would be ok, that I shouldn't under-estimate them. He told me that the creatures he had created were his responsibility and he took that responsibility seriously, and he told me that was one of the only lessons I had left to learn; I to had to take responsibility for the creatures I had created.

"You thought the creatures I created were wretched, look at yours, when you learn your final lessons you will be released."

I felt fear at the thought of watching the creatures I had created, most of them were still tucked behind Hell's gate's and even those humans who called themselves hunters came across a handful of my creatures in their life-times. So it had been easy to glance away on the rare occasion that I stumbled on one of them.

"Do not worry my child; you are ready for this burden." He said before he left.

Then I watched Gabriel, I watched everyday these creatures I had created who had no choice but to devour and kill and torture as they left our fathers world all the more bloody in their wake. I cried and I cried for a long time. And then I knew what had to be done. They were my responsibility and I had to kill them all, every last one in Hell and on earth.

I was eager to begin the fight and called to father once more. He told me I had learned well, but there was still learning left to do, that patience was required. But also that I had earned this, he reached out to me and I felt the warmth of His presence for the first time in millennia. And I'm not ashamed to tell you, little brother, I was a gibbering mess- I sank to my knees blubbering thank-you's and apologies and sobbing with relief as the agonising void that had sat with me for eons was mercifully filled.

 _Do you not miss his presence brother, is it not terrible? I know you must._

"Do not call to me again, you will be released when the time comes." He told me.

As he left I was terrified that I would lose the warmth of his presence when he returned to his throne. Ridiculous I know, that I should be so affected after going so long without. But blessedly the presence remained. And that is how I know the secret, which is why we can trust none of them brother. I have watched and you have not been near heaven so I know you can be trusted, but until we know for sure who can and who cannot be we can't risk it.

"What the crap are you going on about Lucifer?" Gabriel finally interrupted.

"The Angels have captured God."

Gabriel just gaped, allowing his thoughts to flow freely for his brother to hear.

"I'm not buckets of crazy, just let me finish."

I watched and waited and learned more every day, years went by and now that I was taking more interest in my creatures, they took more interest in me. Every now and then a demon rapped at my cage door, requesting to hear their creator's voice. I turned away in disgust, ignoring their ideas to set me free. I am still loyal you see Gabriel, I could have left at any time after that, with the demons at my feet, but I stayed waiting for father's word.

"Well even you wouldn't be stupid enough to force him to smite you again if you were so close to getting back to heaven." Gabriel scoffed.

Just listen brother. Then something happened, in an instant His presence was gone, of course at first I thought he had removed His presence from my prison as punishment, and by then I wasn't too proud to beg, watching the world for so long has humbled me. I pleaded with father to return to me, and there was nothing. Even in the early days of my imprisonment when I would yell and scream at him, he ignored me but I could still feel him listening. This time I felt nothing and I knew something was wrong.

I searched for our brethren on earth to see if they had any news. I was shocked, they too were talking about His presence, it had changed- it was different somehow, but the higher ups brought them Gods word and told them everything was fine. And they believed God's word like they always did. But I didn't because it clearly wasn't God's word.

I heard the Angels telling the lies, and by day's end I had pieced it together. The presence our brethren were feeling was dulled because it was the combined presence of those traitorous angels and not God's at all. And of course I felt nothing because no one would think to reach out to the adversaries cell, that is a mistake they will pay for dearly. I knew they had to be stopped and God had to be found- not to sound cliché about it.

Like a terrible, terrible sign, the very next day a demon named Azazel came knocking at my door. I turned to this wretched creature of mine and played the part.


	2. Sam I am Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gave Azazel a list of children, I wasn't going to just tell a demon which child would be me, but he had to know for the plan to work. I had chosen Mary to be born to, a great woman and a great hunter, she would make a great mother but she had been barren- it would be a gift. Then I waited, the blood-shed was unfortunate, but necessary.

I gave Azazel a list of children, I wasn't going to just tell a demon which child would be me, but he had to know for the plan to work. I had chosen Mary to be born to, a great woman and a great hunter, she would make a great mother but she had been barren- it would be a gift. Then I waited, the blood-shed was unfortunate, but necessary.

I called out to Michael, it was a stupid risk to take; if he had been one of the enemy I would've doomed us all. Even though I was sure he wasn't one of the traitors, things could've gone horribly wrong. I tell you this brother because I will not allow you to make such assumptions as I did, we will tell no one.

Michael ignored me of course, but I continued to speak, I knew he missed me and gave in to his urge to listen every now and then. Even after he had heard my entire story he still refused to believe me- he said I was still quite the serpent- that hurt but I forged onwards. The lie Michael had been told was a different one (he would've spotted the spiel the others were getting as fraud in an instant). But even that story had its holes.

A few months later Michael in his diligence came to the truth on his own. In true Michael style he fought the traitors. Though Michael could've beaten any one of them individually, together he struggled to maintain the upper hand. And after a long battle he was defeated. He got away just before they killed him, severely wounded and unaware of whom he could trust, he reluctantly called out to me. I told him if he came to my cage I would heal him, he laughed wryly at me but came anyway.

I flinched at the trepidation that was rolling off him as he entered my prison. I couldn't really blame him- he had just been beaten near to death by those he trusted, and was now standing (barely) completely vulnerable in the cage of supposedly the most dangerous Angel that ever existed- but we were brothers and it still hurt.

Michael nodded gratefully as I mended his broken wings and uncurled the tattered energy lines swirling around his essence. But I was cut off from the garrison and there was only so much even I could do. He stayed in my cage with me as he rested to regain his strength, and planned extensively on how to deal with it all. He healed incredibly slowly; they had really gone to town on him, although I suppose they would've had to have some new form of power to trap our father.

A few weeks had passed before Michael was well enough to go out into the world, he called out to our brethren, and can you guess what they did? They raised the alarm. When Michael got back to me he was worse off than he had been in the first place.

"Looks like I'm no better than the serpent now." Michael shouted at me bitterly. I stomped down the hurt and fury that arose at those words. He was unused to being so weak and helpless, and he still felt betrayed by me.

"Odd that you should come to a serpent to heal you." I lilted, as I untangled the twisted lines of energy again. I fingered the right wing, running my hand along the silver translucency that lay beyond the wing-shadow. There was a powerful knot in there.

"You can't fix it." Michael said; it was a statement, not a question. It looked like he was grounded for now.

Every time Michael stepped outside they were waiting for him, and they kicked his ass, after all he was a risk to their plan. If he said something was wrong the other Angels would listen to him. The problem was he couldn't get to them, or know who they were. But he still went, still fought, still tried to find a way to fix things, to rescue God.

"I can't just stay here, I'll go nuts." Michael protested one day.

"Sorry." He said in reply to the look I gave him.

"It's ok, I'm leaving soon." I said, I was tired of this; I didn't care anymore for secrets. He looked at me wide-eyed, he knew I had been planning to escape- Michael was smart that way, but we hadn't said it out loud. Saying it out loud meant it had to be dealt with, and Michael had sworn to God that I would be kept here for all of eternity.

"I can't let you leave." Michael's voice boomed as he stood shakily, gearing his battered wings up for a fight. I sent him an incredulous look.

"Ok then stop me." I challenged, we both knew with his strength as it was now he stood no chance. But it looked like we were going to fight anyway.

Oh, hold on Gabriel I have an urgent text from Chuck- he too will be important in our end game, he tells us what the enemy are thinking- and they don't even know it. I must get Dean and head to Chuck, it is nothing more than a ghost, but much must be done for the sake of appearances- plus Dean may learn that his life isn't so sh*t after all; wouldn't that be something?

You believe me now don't you little brother?

"Yes." Gabriel replies solemnly.

Good, I will speak to you from the car. Don't worry; I'll be careful, none of our brethren will hear. There's no more sitting on the side-lines for you little brother, we have a whole new war on our hands now. And too few to fight it.

Yes brother I'm here, sorry I was talking to Dean. From what he has told me about his encounter with Raphael, I suspect we may have another angel we can trust. But we need to be sure, can I entrust you with the mission of finding out? Good, that's good. Yes, Castiel too would be a good idea. He looks like he has left our brothers, but don't under-estimate their capacity for subterfuge- they need Dean, and they're smart enough to know this would be the only way to get him. Yeah, like they got to me with Ruby, your trickster jokes are unbecoming Gabriel.

Who has fallen? How do you know this? I see. The problem is too many angels are realising something is wrong and falling, thus losing the power to fight. We must find their grace, and re-birth them as angels. But not now, do as I have asked, I'm talking with Dean now, I will talk to you later. Of course I love you as I love Dean, we are all brothers Gabe.


	3. Sam I am Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Thank-you for all the wonderful reviews, they feed my muse.

AN: Thank-you for all the wonderful reviews, they feed my muse.

Chapter three

To anyone else Michael would've looked fierce, powerful, determined, strong like he could tear down Hell despite his injuries. But we were once the closest of brothers so I saw the truth in his eyes. He was scared; not for himself, Michael would never fear for his own safety, he was scared he would die without fixing Heaven. He thought I would kill him, that I would rank escape above his life. I felt a bone-deep sickness rise through me.

"You're not going to die here, I won't let you." I promise him.

"No but you will, unless you surrender and give up this escaping foolishness." Michael responds in a harsh whisper, apparently the battle has already begun as he lunges violently at me. I easily side-step him and move to block the next blow, he was exhausted before he started but he still fights valiantly, until he falls down. I leave him there, I know the fight isn't over- not with Michael. But I really can't be bothered. He soon gets to his feet again. I move around him, but his words begin to anger me. When he falls the second time I laugh, loud.

"You try my patience Michael." I say as he rises once more. Twenty minutes later he has fallen again- this time from me knocking him down. I'm tired of this game. There's a world to be saved, I'm doing this for the right reasons. He is barely off of the floor when I deliver a swift kick sending him down for the fourth time. Michael gives me an incredulous look. I shrug, he wanted to fight. I still notice how pale he is, I decide to give him a couple of minutes.

Apparently those two minutes were all he needed because when he comes back again he fights like the mighty fierce Archangel he is. And then it is a real fight, quick and sharp, messy and precise. The hours drift by as pain wracks our souls, neither of us giving an inch. But Michael is still fighting with limited strength. When he finally falls for the fifth time, he stays down- gasping for breath.

"Please don't leave me again." He begs, and I realise I have made the same mistake I am doomed to make over again with my brother. He was not blindly following orders, he was fighting because he loves me, he was fighting _for_ me. If I leave there will be no chance of me being let back into heaven, we both know this, but we also know there's a fight to be fought.

"Come with me." I reply, and I can tell that every fibre of him wants to agree, he's just waiting for the rationale. "You can keep an eye on me, like always, and we will be stronger together."

Michael struggles with his choice, the idea of giving up all his power to be made human makes him very uncomfortable. After an interminably long silence, he asks, where do we go? I point to Mary and he smiles. I watch him go, still five years 'til the deal comes due.

'Where are you?' he calls already beginning to regress. I'll be with you soon brother, five years, you'll be a kid, it will fly by. 'why?' Needed to keep you safe too, there're Hell's Angels at the door. You're always looking out for me brother, let me look out for you for a change. 'Change? you've spent the last four years healing me' Yeah, and you've been looking after me for the last few billion years or so. I know more about that than you think I know.

I watch my brother as a new-born babe, given the name of Dean. He grows fast, but then humans tend to do that. Whereas Heaven has children that are centuries old. Dean laughs and is happy and loved and no-one has any idea of who he is. I watch Mary and John and Dean. It is a good family.

Dean begins to walk and is already an adventurer, babbling his way through his story, and then- he hits two and like many re-born angels do he begins babbling about his past. Mostly it doesn't matter, parents either brush it off as a weird faze or send their kids to child psychologists, either way things turn out fine. But Mary is a hunter, from a long line of hunters, and she understands quickly what even most hunters would not.

I smirk as Mary says "Angels are watching over you." With a sense of irony she knows her child is too young to pick up on. And then for the first time in eight years, hits the research books.

Dean is just past three and a half, riding on his tricycle and half kicking a football, when it is time for me to join him. I take a deep breath, making one last check that no one can find us, before jumping right in. I lived my life, it was good and bad, and now we're here. Ready for the next chapter in the war.

I sigh, as far as rituals go, raising death is a biggie. I smile at the demons too stupid to realise they're digging their own graves; yes, of course I'm raising death to kill the humans- I'm an archangel who could wipe them out just as easily myself but I've decided to go through the fun of the scenic route- jeez these guys are idiots- cruelty I understand, but how in Hell did I create such bozo's.

I smirk at Crowley, the first demon I've seen who sees me for what I am; even as he is fooled by the mortal coil I'm dressed up in, he knows- that I, Lucifer am a fierce Angel who is just using the cannon fodder falling at my feet. I will have to find him later and destroy him quietly, so no one – angel or demon or human- asks any questions.

For now though I have to lead myself to Carthage, the ritual requires much more strength than the tendril inside of Nick can provide.

Hum, well this is unfortunate. Don't suppose you have any ideas? What do you mean just destroy the hellhounds? Remember Gabriel, someone is always watching, always- we pretend even as we sleep. Don't laugh, I know I'm the one who told Meg to do this, yes just desserts very funny, how was I to know the bitch would bring Hellhounds?

...

" _Lucifer?"_

...

" _Lucifer... Sam?"_

...

" _You just killed that Hellhound didn't you?"_

It went after Dean. Don't worry I covered our asses, a shame though, I liked Jo, I'll miss her- plenty of time to bring her back later though. Later I will dig a grave and chat to myself for the ears of anyone listening. Also brother, I have spoken to Castiel, there is truth in his soul, I believe he is not allied with the enemy, do you agree?

" _I agree"_

He won't believe us though, but it matters little, he is still here helping me- even if he doesn't realise it.

We have quite the audience at the moment; it's more than I could've hoped for. I'll say it all goes down in Detroit- the self-fulfilling prophecies are always the best, let them listen and inspect the place and crawl into my trap.


End file.
